This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize