maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
