I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
