I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
