I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
