people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
