Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
