So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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