She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize