Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
