hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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