Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
