I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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