but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize