those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I think my moral compass just broke
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