I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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