Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
