my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize