What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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