Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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