You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
