k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
