just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
