Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize