Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
