You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
