dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize