I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
