My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
