At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
