I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
