I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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