I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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