i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
