True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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