So drunk, too bad you don't want this
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize