my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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