your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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