my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
