You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
