nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
