Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
