So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
