how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
