i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Girls should come with a carfax report
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
