She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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