My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
