3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
