I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
