just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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