I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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