bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
