I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
