I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize