Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize