The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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