Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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