What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
